I've been searching for a new swimsuit for several weeks now. The only other one I have is starting to fall apart after three years of wear. I'm not one to subject myself to the ordeal of swimsuit shopping on an annual basis. My ego is far too fragile for the indignities that occur. Do you know how hard it is to find a swim suit? Oh wait... 97% of my readers are women, so yeah, you do know, unless you have an amazing figure and can grab any string bikini in your size without trying it on and have it fit perfectly. If that is indeed the case, then you too can suck it.
Men can suck it too. Seriously. Why can't women wear big baggy shorts swimming? How fair is it that we have to romp around in next to nothing? Who the hell decided that? Let's figure it out and lynch them. Jerks.
Tirade over. Sorry.
In the course of my hunt I have tried on approximately 73 swimsuits. 72 of those made me wince and shudder once I slowly mustered up the courage to look in the mirror. Why must the lighting be so harsh in the dressing rooms? It's bad enough to actually have to try on a swimsuit, but to have every dimple, and imperfection highlighted in harsh glaring light is just demeaning. Thank God I'm on herbal "mood enhancers". I think I may have spiraled into a deep depression without them.
Trying to find a swimsuit that fits AND is flattering is pretty much like finding a needle in a haystack. Trying to find a swimsuit that fits AND is flattering AND doesn't show the world 3/4 of my boobs AND doesn't look matronly is a miraculous thing. Yes, I have rather large (100% natural and I've been told amazing) breasticles. However, I don't want to look like I should be attached to a stripper pole when I'm at the beach with my kids. I also don't want weird men and breastfed infants ogling me. Nor do I want to risk a Tara Reid style boob pop out. Minus the paparazzi of course.
I'm actually pretty modest.
Chris calls me a prude.
Tomayto, tamahto.
In addition to all my other requests, I'd like the swimsuit not to cost eleventy bagillion dollars either. Ha, ha, ha! Hee, hee, hee! Hoo, hoo, hoo... I know. Funny, right? Yeah. No. THAT swimsuit doesn't exist. Anywhere. I looked. I did end up finding a new suit. I went to the Lands' End shop at Sears (after going everywhere else in town) and found a tankini that fit, was flattering, and didn't show porn star amounts of boob. YES! Success.
Sadly, I still had to cough up $64 plus change and that was ON SALE. Good Lord. Who can afford $100 for a swim suit? Who? That is madness. MADNESS. I'm pissed that I had to spend that much, but it was either spend the money and be comfortable with my appearance or look like a stripper/porn star, which I'm sure Chris would have liked because he is a dirty little monkey boy. Aren't they all though? I mean unless they are gay...
Hopefully I will have another three year reprieve from swimsuit shopping. I think I'll need that amount of time to recover emotionally. *shudder*
This post is useless to me without photos.
Posted by: Shaunte | July 01, 2009 at 04:17 PM
Sure, blame men for womens' insecurities. Have you learned nothing being married to your "dirty little monkey boy"?
Men are not that judgmental. Pretty much, if we can see cleavage, we're good to go. We don't notice shit like dimples and tiny little "imperfections," especially when there is a semi-clothed woman in our presence. You know why YOU notice those things? Because women are overly self-conscious and you spend time staring at yourselves in the mirror LOOKING for them.
I understand that you don't want to look like Granny Onepiece on the beach, but I'd be willing to bet that at least 50% of the suits you tried would have been fine to your husband, and not just because they showed more boob than you would've liked.
Look at the way we dress. We have no fashion sense. Well, the gay guys do, but not the straight ones. We don't sit there like "Oh, look at the pattern on that swimsuit! It's hideous!". No, our brains work more like this: "Boobsboobsboobsboobsboobs... Ooh, she has a tramp stamp too!". The only reason most of us look presentable at all is because a woman helped pick out our clothes at the store and/or dress us.
In summation, if women weren't so damn picky about every little detail of their bodies that 99% of men never notice - and 100% of straight men when boobs are added into the equation - you would have a much easier time finding a bathing suit.
Posted by: Matt A. | July 01, 2009 at 04:50 PM
Do you know why things at Barney's always look so fantastic on you thus making you willing to pay a fortune? Great lighting, wine service and REAL ground glass mirrors. Not the plastic-so-they-will-never-break ones at depasrtment stores WITH floresant lighting that NO ONE could look good in.
I went through a similar suit hunt and too found mine at Land's End. But DO check out their overstocks online. The suit that is normally $64 for the top and $35 for the bottoms I got for a total of $35...AND it fit AND made me feel pretty fantabulous. Ya' just gotta wait a few more days for the mail delivery.
Upside is you can have the wine service at home while you're trying them on.
:-)
Thanks for your post! Great fun.
Posted by: Nancy McDonnell | July 01, 2009 at 05:06 PM
I never ever ever wore a real swimsuit, and after having my moose of a 10 lb baby girl I was glad that world didn't have to see all she left behind ;)
I do wear the shorts, but the cute kind they sell in surf shops (like Roxy or Quicksilver) that have pretty flowers on them and are flattering to the extent that they aren't baggy in the butt. I wear rashguards that match ... you know, like they make for kids to cover them up from the sun. They sell them for grownups and no worries about stretch mark bellies or boobs hanging out (not that I EVER had that problem lol) so maybe you want to go that route :)
Posted by: marlene | July 01, 2009 at 05:46 PM
Oh shit, why did you have to bring this horror of an ordeal up? I think bathing suit shopping is the scariest, most depressing thing ever and it makes me want to jump off a building every time I have to do it..which included this year..it's so sad, I've resorted to the "Mom" bathing suit..the kind with the damn skirt attached..ugggh..but it makes me feel better to have my fat ass and dimply hips covered...but man, do I feel so NOT hot in it..uggh..but the thing is, most women hate their bodies, so most everyone is so busy obsessing over their imperfections, that really, no one pays attention to you (me) except you, kwim? and I find your friend Matt's post intriguing..REALLY? boys don't notice stuff like that..I find that hard to believe... I've had to just get over it though and not let it keep me from enjoying life with my family in the summer/water..I don't want to miss out on life because I hate the way my body looks..even though when someone mentions doing something that requires a bathing suit, I shudder inside...yep, it sucks!
Posted by: Heather Crawford | July 01, 2009 at 06:25 PM
As I was reading this post, I was thinking to myself "she needs to go to the Lands End store at Sears!"...I just found it myself last week. Lo and behold, that's where you went! Yay! I also like to keep the girls under wraps, so I don't hurt anyone mostly, but I also don't want to look like an overweight stripper either. :-) Mine is that bright aqua blue - which one did you get?
Posted by: Stacy | July 01, 2009 at 07:51 PM
lol, I love your friend Matt's comment. Too funny. But what the heck is a "tramp stamp"?
Love the Land's End suits--usually. I think that's the one category that Land's End does very well. All kinds of choices, modesty wise, usually a fair number of cute colors. And I have bought them for about 20 years now because they offer the long torso sizes, which I need (unless I want to wear my suit up my butt all day--no thanks).
But overall I really thing Matt is right--we are just way too critical of our own bodies. Enjoy the suit and have some fun at the pool, on the beach, or lying in the hammock in your back yard!
Posted by: Jan C. | July 01, 2009 at 08:35 PM
I agree. I want to wear baggy shorts and not be arrested for going in the pool with my clothes on.
Posted by: Chrissy | July 01, 2009 at 11:39 PM
What, no photo????Ok when you get "old" like me you get to cover up with the board shorts or boardies as we call aka slightly baggy shorts & a tankini top, 'cos no one wants to see us old girls flashing our saggy old wares:-)LOL
Chris
Posted by: Chris | July 02, 2009 at 06:54 AM
I'm so right there with you! I hate shopping for a bathing suit and really I haven't for about 4 years. At this point I am wearing a hand me down from my mother...you can just imagine how sexy that is. I have some really pretty ones...in my basement...in a tote...that I haven't been able to wear for 5 years. I'm holding onto hope! Just wait until you have to take a teenager shopping for a bathing suit. My 13 yr. old daughter isn't stick thin, she has a little belly. She can't wear a little string bikini. Of course the suit she picks out is a $100. First time she saw it...I refused. Then she couldn't find anything else so I was going to order it. Still not on sale + then I had to pay shipping so that's $115. Finally, we found it on sale but still ended up paying $75. I told her it had to last her a few years...I'm secretly hoping I can lose enough weight that I can just wear it and she can get a new one like I know she will want to. Thanks for sharing your story and I may just have to check out Land's End.
Posted by: Stacy | July 02, 2009 at 09:29 AM
Yay! I am happy that you went in the Land's End direction. The suits are kind of pricey, but they wear for a very long time....well worth the $$.
Posted by: Tracie | July 02, 2009 at 11:10 AM
I just got a new suit from Land's End as well. Apparently we've hit the solution!
Posted by: sue Treiber | July 02, 2009 at 11:50 AM
Clearly, I should have just asked the Internet where is the best place to find a suit that is cute, yet not totally boobielicious, because all of you got your suits at Lands' End too. The Internet always knows best. Always.
Posted by: ashley | July 02, 2009 at 12:29 PM
You nailed it perfectly. I forced myself to swimsuit shop a few years ago...plunked down eleventy billion whatever dollars at Nordstrom...and still am embarrassed to step out in public in the things. And it was the first time I suffered the humiliating experience of a 20-something size zero salesgirl probably wanting to gouge her eyes out - but she insisted on seeing me, so it was her fault. I tell myself my kids don't care how I look. And if there's some cleavage action, the husband doesn't focus on the junk.
Posted by: Kirsten | July 02, 2009 at 01:43 PM
amen to it all.
except for matt's comment...whatever
Posted by: cynthia | July 02, 2009 at 02:34 PM
Your post was a CRACK UP...and Matt's response was AS FUNNY...I had to read it out to my hubby...who was right there with Matt. Big boobs are a curse I say a curse..when trying to find a swim suit...I could just cry!
Thanks for a laugh...I am glad I am not the only one.....bad thing is that our local Sears stopped carrying Land's End!
Posted by: Sarah | July 03, 2009 at 12:18 AM
This was a PRICELESS post! I LOVE it! Thank you for saying what we ALL feel, except for those disgusting and rare model types that are probably starving themselves anyways!
Glad you found a suit! I live in Morocco so I have the happy excuse of watching women go for a dip in the ocean fully clothed in their jilabas. Now THOSE women are the smart ones!
Hope you have a great day!
Hugs,
Tina
Posted by: Travelingmama | July 03, 2009 at 11:37 AM
I loathe bathing suit shopping!!! So happy you found one though! Just think, if it lasts for several years for you, it is only so much a year. :)
And yes, men are dirty monkey boys. Jeff would love it if I just walked around topless all the time.
Posted by: Julie | July 03, 2009 at 12:50 PM
My wife takes FOREVER to pick out swimsuits! And this year she ordered 2 of em from Victoria Secrets via online?!? Why??? She should know she'll get them and then try them on and then hate them. What is up with women!?! Oh...and happy to be in the 3% of men who read your blog. Go figure...
Posted by: Alan | July 22, 2009 at 08:54 AM