...is this thing on?

Swimsuits can Suck it

I've been searching for a new swimsuit for several weeks now.  The only other one I have is starting to fall apart after three years of wear.  I'm not one to subject myself to the ordeal of swimsuit shopping on an annual basis.  My ego is far too fragile for the indignities that occur.  Do you know how hard it is to find a swim suit?  Oh wait...  97% of my readers are women, so yeah, you do know, unless you have an amazing figure and can grab any string bikini in your size without trying it on and have it fit perfectly.  If that is indeed the case, then you too can suck it.

Men can suck it too.  Seriously.  Why can't women wear big baggy shorts swimming?  How fair is it that we have to romp around in next to nothing?  Who the hell decided that?  Let's figure it out and lynch them.  Jerks. 

Tirade over.  Sorry. 

In the course of my hunt I have tried on approximately 73 swimsuits.  72 of those made me wince and shudder once I slowly mustered up the courage to look in the mirror.  Why must the lighting be so harsh in the dressing rooms?  It's bad enough to actually have to try on a swimsuit, but to have every dimple, and imperfection highlighted in harsh glaring light is just demeaning.  Thank God I'm on herbal "mood enhancers".  I think I may have spiraled into a deep depression without them.

Trying to find a swimsuit that fits AND is flattering is pretty much like finding a needle in a haystack.  Trying to find a swimsuit that fits AND is flattering AND doesn't show the world 3/4 of my boobs AND doesn't look matronly is a miraculous thing.  Yes, I have rather large (100% natural and I've been told amazing) breasticles.  However, I don't want to look like I should be attached to a stripper pole when I'm at the beach with my kids.  I also don't want weird men and breastfed infants ogling me.  Nor do I want to risk a Tara Reid style boob pop out.  Minus the paparazzi of course. 

I'm actually pretty modest.  

Chris calls me a prude. 

Tomayto, tamahto.     

In addition to all my other requests, I'd like the swimsuit not to cost eleventy bagillion dollars either.  Ha, ha, ha!  Hee, hee, hee!  Hoo, hoo, hoo...  I know.  Funny, right?  Yeah.  No.  THAT swimsuit doesn't exist.  Anywhere.  I looked.  I did end up finding a new suit.  I went to the Lands' End shop at Sears (after going everywhere else in town) and found a tankini that fit, was flattering, and didn't show porn star amounts of boob.  YES!  Success. 

Sadly, I still had to cough up $64 plus change and that was ON SALE.  Good Lord.  Who can afford $100 for a swim suit?  Who?  That is madness.  MADNESS.  I'm pissed that I had to spend that much, but it was either spend the money and be comfortable with my appearance or look like a stripper/porn star, which I'm sure Chris would have liked because he is a dirty little monkey boy.  Aren't they all though?  I mean unless they are gay...   

Hopefully I will have another three year reprieve from swimsuit shopping.  I think I'll need that amount of time to recover emotionally.  *shudder* 

     

         

Yes? No? Maybe? Yes. I think. Maybe.

Last Friday evening, Chris, the kids and I ventured to IKEA.  Our whole purpose on going was to look at kitchens.  Get some ideas.  Do a little pricing.  Due diligence ya'll.  We have come full circle and are back to that God damned decision I like to call "what in the hell are we going to do with our kitchen?"  We have spun this question inside, out and backwards so much that it has given me motion sickness.  Gah.

Right now, at this very moment, we have decided that we are not going to add on.  We don't want to stay in this house forever.  It just doesn't meet our needs and I don't think that either of us could handle the emotional stress of an addition.  Since we can't sell it right now and are essentially trapped, we are going to spruce it up, so when the economy picks up (ha, ha, ha) in 2-3 years we will have a home that will kick the competition's ass.  HI-YAH!!

We walked around IKEA's showroom checking out the cabinet options.  Luckily we have very similar (awesome) taste and easily agreed on the same ones.  Then we went to their design center and futzed around with their design software for an hour and a half or so.  The software is a total pain in the ass.  We came up with a design that was tolerable then went to save it.  That is when Chris and I almost got a divorce.  The design was lost and then there was fighting and other couples looking at us.  Chris told me that I always blame him, and I was all "nuh uh, I always accept the blame for when I fuck up and I didn't fuck this up".  Luckily the IKEA lady was able to retrieve our design, thereby saving our marriage.

It was pretty much awesome.

Then we ate meatballs and I almost gave Ava away to anyone who would take her.  She ONLYcried twice while at IKEA.  Yeah!  Good times.  

We continued to futz around with the design over the weekend.  We'd design, then go measure.  Design.  Measure.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  We decided to go look at Lowe's to see what tile was going to run us, but then we got totally distracted by all the other things, like cabinets...  Ohhhh...  Pretty...  So, we made an appointment to meet with an official designer Sunday evening.

Roger, the designer with diamond stud earrings in one ear and highlights, had some amazing ideas.  Things we hadn't even considered.  Huh.  Wow.  We can do that?!?  We like Roger.  Roger is good.  This is why you should always talk to a gay man when redoing your kitchen.  They are like the superheros of that stuff.  Roger's ideas will cost us more than IKEA, however, the cabinets are nicer.

We need to price out floor tile and get an estimate on installation of everything from our friend.  He owns a Handyman Connection franchise and has some very talented craftsmen who work for him.  They have done some other work on our house in the past and did a fantastic job.  After adding up everything we will see if it is still within the budgeted amount of money.  If so, then we will have to do the hard thing; make the decision to move ahead and actually spend the money.  

Somebody hold me.  I'm scared.  The thought of spending the money makes me feel all sorts of crunchy, but I really, really, really hate my fugly kitchen.  Plus, it is a huge detriment to the house when it comes time to put it back on the market.  It's got to be done one way or the other and we might as well get a little bit of enjoyment out of it while we are here, right?  Right?!?      

     

Canoeing - What a Great Way to Spend the Day

This spring, during one of Chris and Griffin's excursions to walk about in the woods, they saw a place that rents canoes along the Huron River.  They checked it out and picked up some information.  Then when we went morel hunting in early May we drove past the place and Chris told me that you can rent canoes.  I'm sure I muttered something to the effect of "that sounds like fun" and then promptly forgot about it, because I have no memory anymore.  Momnesia.  It's a terrible thing.

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, right...

Somehow, by some sort of a miracle, we actually remembered about the place.  Chris and I were chatting on Tuesday while I was at work and he suggested that we go canoeing on Saturday.  I said "that sounds like fun", so he reserved a canoe for 11:00 am today.  The place is called Heavner Canoe and Kayak Rentals and is located about 45 minutes away from us in Milford, MI.  They have two locations; we went to the Proud Lake one.

The Huron is a very slow moving river, so you can paddle upstream and then return with the current, or you can just go downstream and take a shuttle back.  We went upstream.  It was a workout, but not terrible by any stretch of the word and there are several places along the way where you can pull over and rest/swim/eat/pee.  I'm sure my arms will be sore tomorrow, but right now I am good.  The scenery is gorgeous and we saw all sorts of fish, birds, and lily pads.  We even saw a bunch of Cedar Waxwings. 

 

 

The first big destination, which is a small dam, takes about 45 minutes to an hour to get to.  It depends on how fast you are going, or how loud your husband is yelling at you to keep paddling, keep paddling, keep paddling.  We made it in record time and pulled off to eat our lunch and swim.  The water was perfect!  So warm!  If you decide to make the trek, you should know that the dam is quite the popular spot and canoes/kayaks are coming and going left and right. 

You can port the canoe over the dam, or you can be a daredevil and go over the dam (see ripples below), under the bridge and almost decapitate yourself then drift into the that tree directly behind the bridge.  We saw several people do so and I told Chris that I would divorce him if he made us go that route.  He chose not to rock the boat (ha, ha, ha) and we ported the canoe over the dam and all kept our heads capitated. 

 

 

  

  

  

The trip back down the river is much easier and exponentially more relaxing.  Especially for me, because I really only had to help out on the tight corners.  Heh.  We were out on the river for about 3.5 hours and the whole thing only cost us $27.  We all had a fantastic time.  We will definitely be doing this again.  If you are in the metro Detroit area, you should totally go do this. You won't regret it.  Unless you fall in and lose your keys and ruin your cell phone, but hey that is totally YOUR problem.  (You should be cool like us and invest in a waterproof bag.)

   

It was a very hot, muggy and windy day.

Of course it was!  We were having a party outdoors.  Why wouldn't it be miserable?  It wouldn't be a party at the Gailey's if the weather was glorious.  That's not how we roll.  We want you all to be as uncomfortable as possible.  Please come to our house and suffer.  Weeeeeeeeeeee! 

However, we do ply people with good food, such as: Carolina BBQ sandwiches, smoked chicken wings, Paula Deen's red potato salad, baked black beans with chorizo and molasses AND ice cream cake from Dairy Queen.  So there's that.  Plus we will booze you up.  Yup, you will get good and sauced.  Heck, we will even join you!  (Note to self:  Two bottles of margaritas are not enough. Get more next time.)

Ava's birthday party was a TON of work last weekend, but it was a good time.  She got showered with gifts and got to play with her BFF all day.  There were many pink and purple gifts.  Many.  She was pleased.  Chris and I got her a pink fishing pole and some new fancy smancy earrings. 

We could barely keep the candle lit, it was so windy.

 

 

 

After we put the kids to bed, Chris and I ended up staying up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late with his cousin Beth and her fiance' Jesse.  I saw my first firefly of the season and we talked about their Grandpa's old cabin, their upcoming wedding plans and Twilight.  They clearly are big geeks too, as they have also read all the books.  (Don't get me wrong...  I'm the biggest geek out there.  They are in good company.)  God knows what else we talked about.  I'm sure I agreed to go rustic camping for two weeks, or sky diving, or to perm my hair, or get a tattoo, or buy a cabin.  Oh wait.  We totally did talk about that last one.  We had a lot of fun.  Too much fun. 

Re-entry into the land of the living was rough on Sunday.

(Note to self:  You are not 21.  Stop.  Just stop.  You can't do that anymore old lady.)   

My Baby is FOUR!

How did that happen?!?  

Several weeks ago the following conversation occurred:

"Momma, when was I born?" Ava asked.

"You were born on your birthday." 

She then responded in the most excited, sweet, sugar girl voice I have ever heard, "I WAS BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY?!?!?"

"I know!  Isn't that cool!"

 

Chris and I have been preparing for a birthday party/family BBQ all week long.  Damn, entertaining is HARD work.  Trip here, trip there.  Need more booze.  Forgot that.  That would be good too, don't you think?  More trips here and there.  Bah.  Since we have a tiny house, the only way we can entertain is to have an outside party in the summer.  There are going to be about 25 people here today. 

Hopefully, the possible thunderstorm after 12:00 pm does not come to fruition, so we can get everything set up.  There's only a 30% chance.  Soggy streamers will just not do.  We have two canopies to put up as well.  One is an E-Z UP and, well, easy to put up.  The other one has eleventy bazzillion poles and pieces and is a total pain in the ass.  Chris and I will yell at one another during the erection.  (Ha, ha.  I said erection.)  Not like that, you pervs.  Erection of the canopy.  Oh God.  I typed poles, ass and erection in the same paragraph.  Now I'm going to get all sorts of hits.   

Unfortunately, Griffin came down with strep throat yesterday.  He was in bed "sick" when I got home from work and I made Chris take him to the after hours clinic.  He tested positive for strep and we got him started on the antibiotic.  He's going to have to be quarantined.  Poor guy.  He was actually supposed to go to one of his friend's birthday party this afternoon too.  He's pretty bummed out. 

I wanted to share some of Ava's recent art work.  We've decided that she will either be the next Tim Burton or a Japanese Anime designer.

Exhibit A:  The Funny Peanut

  

(Kind of awesome and totally creepy at the same time, no?  Very Tim Burton.)

Exhibit B:  A Bunny

 

OK, kids...  I've get a busy day a head of me, so I'm getting off this here computer box and getting my ass in gear.  I'll share pictures later.

Do you want to know what pisses me off?

I noticed last week that Chris was looking slimmer and asked him if he had lost weight.  He said "no", but then went and weighed himself.  He lost 15 pounds without trying, or even realizing it.

Son of a bitch.  (Sorry Jan.  It's just a saying.)

I have been working out religiously at least 4 times per week and nothing.  I have been mostly watching what I eat too.  I'm pissed.  It is SO much harder for me to lose weight now that I am in my late 30's.  I'm clearly going to have to go back to Weight Watchers.  Bah.

I hate men.  They suck hairy donkey butts.

   

An Open Prayer

Dear Lord, please let me win the lottery.  I need to quit my job, because I can't handle any more crazy.  I'm all full up of crazy.  The amount of craziness that I endure on a daily basis is beyond excessive.  Sadly, I won't be able to feed my chillun' if I quit and we like food.  I spent two whole dollars on a lottery ticket.  I did my part.  Now it's time for you to do your part.  Unless you want me to slit my wrists.

Amen.   

PS - I bought 6 bottles of wine at Trader Joe's during lunch today.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I am Not an Eye Doctor...

...but today in the span of two and a half hours I have removed a dust bunny and a bug from Griffin's right eye.  The dust bunny attacked him first.  He was trying to get something from under his bed.  Yes, I realize that it is pretty bad that the dust bunnies are so large they are now attacking poor, unsuspecting children.  Don't judge.  I'm sure YOU have ginormous dust bunnies that are just waiting for the perfect moment to attack at your house too.

I'm not exactly sure what he was doing to get the bug stuck in his eye.  He was outside.  Perhaps he was trying to eskimo kiss a tree.  I don't know.  Whatever it was, it resulted in a bug in the same eye.  He was freaking out that it was going to lay eggs in his eyeball.  I assured him it wouldn't.  Ick.  

WTF?   

I am totally Supermom today.

The end.

Cross Another Thing Off the List

Dudes...  I got a picture of a Scarlet Tanager this weekend.  It was one of the things on my list of things to do before I die over there on the left.  (<------------  Scroll down.)  We went up to Traverse City to visit Grandma and Grandpa, and while there we took one more stab at morel hunting.  Of course it was another fruitless trip.  We figured it would be, but went anyway. 

As we were leaving the area, Chris saw a Scarlet Tanager fly across our path.  He stopped the car and we got out to try to spot it.  We spotted him and I attempted to get close enough to take a picture.  He was jumpy, and I only had my 85mm lense with me.  I hadn't brought my whole bag with me.  I was so upset.  Scarlet Tanagers are a rare sighting and I didn't have my big lense with me!  Damn, damn, damn.  Fuckity fuck!  Here's the shot I got.

  

Chris suggested that we head back out to the area today to try again.  We figured that there was a nest in the area.  I knew my chances of seeing him again were slim to none, but Chris insisted we go.  We split up and it was at that point that I realized that I have no clue how to hunt birds.  Plus, I'm not very patient and Ava was with us and she is loud.  Hell, we didn't even know what their call sounded like.

Ava had gotten to the point where she was whiny and freaked out by the enormous number of grasshoppers and caterpillars in the area so she wanted to sit in the car.  I continued my search and would go back every few minutes to make sure she wasn't sobbing in the car.  She's a big time fraidy cat.  The last time I went to check on her she told me she had to go pee and asked if there was any toilet paper.  She's a pro at peeing in the woods now.  

I went to the back of the Jeep to check to see if the boy scout (AKA Chris) had any TP in his man bag.  That man is prepared for freaking anything.  I only have an ice scraper and one glove in the back of my car.  You want to be with Chris when the shit hits the fan, not me.  Just saying.  I couldn't find the toilet paper (which DID end up being there under something) and as I was shutting the back of the Jeep I caught a glimpse of something red fly by out of the corner of my eye.

My heart started pounding and right then I saw Chris coming towards me.  I showed him where it was and we began to slowly track it.  I was shaking like mad, I was so excited.  I couldn't believe it.  He was right there!  Right in front of me!!  Oh my God!

  

        

These were the best I got.  You can click on them to see them larger.  I had my lense fully extended to 300MM and I was in the woods, which were dark, so the ISO was high.  I wish they were more crisp, but they will do.  Aren't they the most beautiful birds ever?  I love them.

...and yes, I realize I am a huge dork. 

I probably would have missed him if Ava hadn't asked for toilet paper.  Yeah for toilet paper! 

Happiness is a New Orla Kiely Bag

 

Uber supreme happiness is getting a smoking hot deal on an in-season Orla Kiely bag.  SCORE! 

Google is good.  Google finds good deals.  Google also finds coupon codes.  All hail Google!

Some New Layouts

You non-scrapbookers can just skip this one.

99.99% of the products are from Designer Digitals.

(Click on the image to see larger.  If you wanna.  Or not.  Whatevs.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(A.K.A. the "kids your parents were drunk" layout.)

PS - I had a bunch of layouts printed at ScrapbookPictures.com and they did an excellent job.  They were running a sale, so the 12 x 12s ended up costing about $2.00 a piece.  Shipping was fast too.  I will definitely order from them again.

Spectacularly Embarrassing Sporting Incident #1

Baseball season is upon us.  We will be spending, oh, the next bit of forever on the baseball field.  This year Griffin moved up to coach pitch.  Chris has been working with him on hitting and catching and when he pays attention and sets himself, he's a good hitter.  He's a pretty good catcher too.  He needs to work on hustling though.  For instance, this evening, he made a great hit but got tagged out mere steps from first.  Had he hustled he would have been safe.

Sadly, I know he gets the lack of hustle from me.  I was never a hustler in sports, nor was I ever in Hustler.  Yes, I played baseball and soccer.  Yes, I am profoundly afraid of balls.  Sports was a poor match for me.  I'm sure my coaches loathed me.

This evening, I was hanging out in my collapsible chair behind home (check me out using my sport talk lingo) and one of the other parents, who just happened to be of the male persuasion said hello.  I waved and said "hello" back.  (FYI - I'm not very good in social situations with people I don't know.  Hello, anxiety.)  I then heard Ava say "Mommy, why did you bring this with you?"  I turned to see what she was talking about and saw that she was holding a tampon way up in the air for all to see.  YEAH.

...and then I died.

At least it wasn't a super, extra, colossal sized one.  So, at least there's that.  Silver linings and all that jazz...  Right?  Oh, and tonight was only game 2 of the season.  There are like eleventy bazillion more games to go, so it's not like I can just stop showing up.  I can just imagine the conversations that are going to occur between the other parents from here on out. 

"Griffin's Mom is bringing snacks next game."

"Who is that?"

"You know...  The one with the tampon."  

"Oh yeah.  Right.  The one with the tampon."   

 

That is pretty much full of awesome.

Awesome Parenting Moment #769

This evening after catching up on all of the important news of the day (thank you E! channel) and working a small portion of my ass off on the treadmill I had take a shower.  You know...  because I was all sweaty, stinky and profoundly icky.  I decided to drag Ava in there with me instead of giving her a separate bath.  Don't ever say I can't multi-task.  When I was helping her get undressed I started thinking.  Hmmmmm...  When was the last time I gave her a bath?   When WAS that? 

It was Friday. 

Yeah...  NICE. 

I thought so too.

On the plus side, she did go swimming on Saturday and with all the chlorine in the pool it was pretty much an antiseptic rinse.  So there's that.

That was almost as good as the time that we forgot to feed Griffin lunch.  Several years ago Chris's folks had taken Griffin out to dinner and they marveled about how much he ate.  They reported that he ate all of his meal and some of Grandma's and some of Grandpa's.  As they were telling us this, Chris and I sort of looked at one another in horror. 

"Did you feed Griffin lunch?"

"Nope.  Did you?"

"Nope."

"Awesome."

Please don't call CPS on us. 

Thank you.

Amen.

I Just Need to be Honest with Myself

Oh, hi!  Clearly, I forgot I have a blog.  Sorry about that. 

I learned a new lesson this week.  This week I learned that I just need to be honest with myself and quit trying to be something I'm not.  I also learned the quick way to get my husband to divorce me if I ever want to go down that route.  I don't.  Right now.  Maybe later though...  

Several months ago Chris suggested that we go camping for a week as a cheap family vacation.   I agreed, because clearly I had a moment of complete and total mental retardation.  We've been talking about it for months.  I laid out very clear stipulations as to what I needed:

1. I need toilets, none of this squat in the woods business. 
2. I need to be able to shower.
3. I need an air mattress.

The problem with my needs is that they don't quite mesh with Chris's needs.  He wants to be out in the wilderness and the places with my needs usually have 250 + camp sites.  He wants rustic camping.  Rustic = no shitters and no showers.  I don't want rustic camping.  I want to shower daily to remove the DEET, dirt and s'mores remainders from my body.  I don't want to be a bear.  (What do bears do in the woods?)

I ended up agreeing to go rustic camping with the promise that I would be able to get a shower every other day.  Then that changed.  I was going to have to take a whore bath in a stream on one day, which counted as a "shower", then there was going to be a two-day period where I would have to go totally without.  I was going to have to pee/poop in an outhouse or the woods.  As the time period has drawn nearer, I realized, "oh crap, I can NOT do this." 

I told Chris on Thursday that I didn't want to go if I couldn't shower every day.  The trip was so far beyond my comfort level at this point, that I just couldn't do it.  I knew I would be an insufferable bitch to be around if we did actually go through with it.  To say that it did not go well would be an understatement.  He was majorly pissed at me.  PISSED.  There was talking.  There was fighting.  There was crying.  (Me.  I'm a big, fat, baby and pretty much always cry when we argue.)  There was the silent treatment. 

I hate it when Chris is mad at me.

Gah.

The problem here is that I never should have said I would go after it got so contorted.  There are things I can do and there are things I can't do.  I can't rustic camp.  I just wanted to make Chris happy.  I know he likes that sort of thing.  I was really trying to compromise, but just should have been 100% honest with him once my three essential needs weren't able to be met.  By not being honest with him, I allowed him to get his hopes up, which I then preceded to crush.

After I told him that I didn't want to go camping he told me that I had to make vacation plans.  Well, Disney and the Florida Keys were out.  They were too expensive.  I looked.  I'm not a good planner.  I'm pretty sure I have some form of ADD, and all that focusing and decision making makes my brain hurt and gives me anxiety.  Luckily, Chris's cousin and her husband own a summer home in Cape Cod and they just so happen to have one open week.  We will now be going that week. 

That is how I averted divorce. 

We visited the Cape three summers ago and LOVED it.  If you are a new reader, I would suggest that you click on the link to see the amazing shots of the humpback whales I got the last time we were there.  We will be going whale watching again.  I need a new swimsuit.  I also need to drop 30 pounds.  Treadmill here I come. 

Hi, My Name is Griffin...

...and my parents are going to have to beat the girls off with sticks.

 

 

He already has three girlfriends and he is only in first grade.  Oh crap.